Unforeseen Complications 2By Nikita
Warning: Slash, if you don't know what that means chances are you don't wanna know, go watch an x-file repeat and stay safe from my twisted version. Contains m/m hurt/comfort, romance, schmoop, and sex...at some point or another.
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files or any characters or plot lines associated with it. Chris Carter and the wonderful actors (especially Duchovny) do. I'm not making any profit off this story or the characters within. Don't bother suing, I'm a grad student with lots of student loans...I haven't got a penny.
Season Two, Consequences of the complications...
Part 2
Mulder woke with one bitch of a headache. Groaning, his eyes slit open and finding himself not on his couch he sat up in surprise.
"Oh, shit." Big mistake, the sudden movement made the pounding in his head worse. He clutched his head and his eyes squeezed shut as he fought the rising nausea. Peering around him once more he noted that he 'was' in his apartment, but in the bedroom for some weird reason. Looking down he saw the stacks of files on the floor next to him and his laundry stacked on the dresser. 'What the hell got into me last night?' Memory suddenly flooded back and he lost his battle with his stomach and ran to his toilet.
Finished, he stood before his mirror glaring at his reflection. 'Stupid. REAL stupid. You just HAD to go out and drink with your partner. And then, you just HAD to get sloppy drunk and then your big fat mouth just HAD to tell him THAT. Fuck. Now what? How am I supposed to work with him now? It'll be all over the goddamn building. Everyone loves gossip on ol' Spooky.'
The only thing he was grateful for was that Alex was gone. He remembered begging pathetically for the other man not to leave him alone. God, what had he been thinking last night?! The man had obviously stayed out of pity and then left as soon as he could. Mulder gave one last glare at his own image and then straightening, he turned away and got into the shower.
Scrubbing hard until his skin was bright pink, he tried to wash the dirty feeling away until the little psychologist voice in his head told him to stop the obsessive and useless behavior. He then dried briskly and forced himself to shave even though all he really wanted to do was climb back in bed. He wasn't going to give in, though. Finished, he walked back into his bedroom and was dressing when it finally dawned on him that there was noise in the kitchen and a smell of coffee wafting down the hall.
'Oh, no, it can't be.' Pulling on jeans and a shirt instead of his comfy sweats, he then grabbed his gun. (Just in case.) Walking on the balls of his bare feet he peered around the wall into his kitchen. Alex was humming to the radio as he popped bread into a toaster.
"That's not mine, where the hell did that come from?" Mulder growled, setting his gun aside on the counter.
Alex turned around, not startled in the least. "And good morning to YOU, too. I can't believe you don't even own a damn toaster. Consider it a gift. Jesus, Mulder, you make bachelors everywhere look bad. Buy some groceries sometime, will you?" The toast popped up and Alex snagged a paper plate and plopping them down on the table he leaned against the counter behind him. "So, you want it dry or are you up to some butter and jelly?"
Mulder stood there dumbfounded. What on earth was Alex playing at? Buying groceries and a toaster...acting like he always made Mulder breakfast. Had he stepped into some alternate universe? "That's okay, I'm not hungry."
"Bullshit, eat the damn toast and have some coffee. I bought aspirin, figured you wouldn't have any." Alex turned and got him some orange juice and plopped the bottle down next to the toast and coffee. Mulder stood for one obstinate minute and considered kicking the man out of his house for acting like a mother hen. Damn if he needed pity. Then he looked into Alex's eyes and so no pity but friendship and against his nature, decided to go with the flow.
"All right. Aren't you going to have any?" Mulder sat down at the table and buttered the toast, enjoying the odd sensation of having breakfast in his own apartment. Alex didn't respond for a moment as he stared at Mulder actually taking the aspirin and eating the toast. He hadn't expected this. He had known without a doubt that Mulder was going to kick him out of the apartment for doing this. Just when you thought you knew the man...
Still shocked, but pleasantly so, Alex made himself some toast and sat down next to Mulder, they ate in silence. Alex didn't know what to say now.
Mulder drained his orange juice glass and then glanced over at Alex. "So, what are you going to do today?"
"Oh, I don't know. I have no plans..." Alex watched him curiously, was he going to get kicked out of the apartment now?
"Well, I've got a weekly basketball game I play down at the Y. Just a friendly game and we could always use another player, wanna come?"
Alex thought the world had probably stopped turning, Fox Mulder was inviting HIM?
"Well, sure. I need to change, though..."
"No problem, I'll meet you there at noon?" Mulder stood up and cleaned up their trash and set the glasses in the sink. Krycek stood up and put their coffee mugs in the sink he then grabbed his jacket.
"All right then, noon." Mulder nodded and Alex let himself out. Walking down the stairs he wondered at Mulder's mood.
XXX
Mulder wasn't sure what he was doing. On one hand, he wanted to feel out Krycek's motives. Was he going to use the information against him? On the other hand, he found the man easy to get along with outside the office. Alex seemed to have left his puppy dog routine at work and seemed genuinely friendly. He'd invited Alex to the game on an impulse.
The game went well. Alex was pretty good, but Mulder was the superior player. He had a longer reach and played every week. Still, it was fun and the other players welcomed an addition to their game. Afterwards, they showered and went out to lunch with the other players at a nearby pub and grill. Alex saw a different Mulder than at the office, more relaxed and easy going. He seemed honestly happy as he joked along with the other men. The talk was very casual and no one mentioned work at all. In fact, Alex had the feeling that they had no idea what Mulder really did for a living. Alex felt privileged; this was a little place outside of Mulder's normal life that no one else got to see. He wondered why Mulder was letting him in like this. What was Mulder's agenda? Trying to buddy up to him to get him not to spread his secret? It was strange, but he decided to just enjoy the day for now.
For three weeks the pattern held. Alex would ask Mulder out for a beer and he'd agree. Limiting himself to the ONE beer and leaving the bar separately. Then, on Saturday they'd meet at the Y to play basketball and have lunch. They never mentioned that one night, but they had formed an easygoing partnership and friendship. They even went to a movie a couple of times.
The last time they went, Mulder's hand had crept over to Alex's and rested ever so lightly on top of his. Alex had suddenly lost interest in the movie and glanced at Mulder. The older man's face was riveted to the screen but a small smile slowly blossomed on his face as Alex watched. Alex smiled in return and turning his palm up, he gently clasped Mulder's hand. Turning back to the movie, their hands stayed embraced until the movie ended, then, with a slight squeeze, Mulder let go.
After the movie Mulder asked Alex up to his apartment for some coffee. Alex entered the apartment with his heart thudding. He marveled at that, he, Alex Krycek, was as nervous as a virgin. He was scared he'd push too fast or hard and ruin all of the trust and friendship that had built up to this point. How different from his original intentions. He'd just wanted a hot fuck, a casual lover at most, now... he wasn't sure exactly, but it was more than that. And damned if it didn't feel good.
"Alex? You okay?"
"Oh, yeah... Coffee ready?" Alex struggled to sound casual, slinging his jacket over a chair and sitting down on the couch.
"Well, I think we both know I didn't really ask you for coffee..." Mulder hesitated, then tentatively touched Alex's face and drew him into a long wet kiss.
And god, could the man kiss. Mulder slowly broke it off; they gasped as one and then chuckled slightly at their reactions. Alex looked into Mulder's eyes and saw uncertainty, but eagerness.
"Alex, I don't know how far I can...I don't-"
Alex shushed him with a kiss, "Don't worry about that. We'll take it as slow and as far as YOU want to. I just want to be with you. Do you want to be with me?"
Mulder sighed, his shoulders sagging with relief, "Yes, I do. I never thought I could be with another man...But I want you."
Alex smiled, and then he led Mulder down the hall to his bedroom once again. Mulder's hands shook as he struggled to unbutton his own shirt.
"Wait. Can I do that?" Alex knew he'd have to let Mulder have a great deal of control here, something he just never did in the bedroom. It would be a little difficult for him to give up the control, but for Mulder he'd try.
Mulder nodded and dropped his hands; his eyes focused downward, not meeting Alex's. Alex tipped his chin up and focused his attention on him.
"Mulder, look at me...just focus on us...nothing else."
xxx
Mulder looked into the greenest eyes he'd ever seen. They seemed to smolder in the dim light. He watched as Alex slowly ran his hands up Mulder's chest and then slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Mulder shivered at the sensation, his breath trembling.
Once it was undone, Alex ran his hands over his chest again, now flesh against flesh...the sensation made Mulder's breath speed up. He reached a tentative hand to Alex who smiled and nodded. Mulder caressed Alex, mimicking the other man's actions. When his own hands ran over Alex's bare chest, Alex moaned, "Oh, Fox."
Mulder stiffened, "Don't- Don't call me that...I...I'm sorry, but..."
"No. No, I'm sorry. I- Can I call you Lisa, then? It's Russian, my parents were Russian..." Mulder found the name surprisingly erotic coming from Alex's husky voice. He liked the idea of a lover speaking another language... He nodded and Alex smiled back, relieved. They slowly turned back to caressing one another until the tension eased and the heat returned.
Mulder felt hands at his waistband, but before he could tense he felt the hands simply stroke the skin above it, circling around to meet at the small of his back, Alex kissed him, softly at first, then grew in passion. Mulder could feel Alex's fingers dip inside the waistband gently rubbing small circles, when he finally opened the fly of Mulder's pants, the older man was so aroused and eager that he didn't mind. Mulder then reached out to do the same for Alex, he fumbled a little opening the fly, but Alex just reached down and helped him. Standing in their underwear, they then moved to the bed.
Laying side by side they explored one another's bodies. It only went as far as mutual stroking to climax, but for Mulder it was a revelation...
xxx
Three days later the Duane Barry case began and all hell broke loose.
Mulder let himself be held hostage by the wacko and Krycek's boss, who until then had simply wanted information now demanded action.
He informed Alex that Scully was an ever-present complication to their plans. He was to keep Mulder from rescuing her. At Skyland Mountain Alex felt the sheerest terror of his life. Mulder wouldn't stay inside the stalled cab and climbed out onto its roof and began to scale the fucking cable! Krycek frantically started the cab, fearing Mulder would fall for sure if he tried to climb all the way up, but hoping that he'd be able to get back onto the cab if it began to move again. The man was ruthless and insanely lucky...he not only managed to get down alive, but he missed Scully's abductors. Thank god. If Mulder had made it, they would have either killed him or taken him as well.
As for Alex, he would have been eliminated for failing in his mission. Alex had no choice in betraying Mulder. It was necessary for the well being of the nation. Mulder couldn't know any of this, though. For that Krycek felt extreme regret. He knew that his mission would only get harder with his relationship with Mulder. He wanted to end it as gently as possible before Mulder got hurt worse, but it was impossible. The man had lost his best friend and the first partner to believe in him. Krycek was insanely jealous of Scully, but did feel sorry for her. She was surely dead by now and Mulder was consumed with finding her. He had no time for Alex and no real personal time at all. So, the relationship was never really over, but at the same time it stagnated. When it came time for Krycek to disappear, he wondered if Mulder would even miss him.
xxx
So now, Alex sat in an abandoned missile silo, locked up and left to die. The only relationship he'd ever had that was worth a damn played over in his head. That one night that they'd had together was the best damn memory he had. Mulder had been so hesitant and uncertain, yet passionate and eager. It was really the only wholesome relationship he'd ever had. Betraying Mulder had hurt badly and at the time he'd truly believed that it was necessary.
What a joke. The consortium had used an overly patriotic young man fresh out of Quantico, fed him well delivered lies about a secret mission essential in saving his nation. He'd been told that Mulder was a misguided fool and a danger to the mission. Alex had thought he was working for the 'good guys.' How wrong he had been. Mulder had been right all along. There WERE aliens. And the consortium was collaborating with them. And try as he might, he couldn't seem to stay out of the fucking mess.
And Mulder. God, Mulder HATED him with a passion. He would never again trust Alex or allow him to touch him again. Alex curled up on the floor, his throat raw from the alien's expulsion and his own hoarse screaming to be let go.
They had left him here. To die. The ship long gone and he knew that there was no rescue for him. Mulder and Scully had been here, so close, and had been just as quickly taken away. He hoped they hadn't hurt Mulder. He wished now that he had begged forgiveness from Mulder in Hong Kong. In the washroom he'd had a fleeting thought of doing so when he gave Mulder the DAT tape. Apologize and beg for a second chance. Then the alien...and now he had no chance...no chance at all.
He cried, his eyes were encrusted in oil, he didn't bother to try to wipe it off. What was the point?
Time passed, who knew how long. He licked moisture off the walls and managed to catch some bugs, then nothing...
And he started hallucinating...there was Mulder, his Lisa, coming through the door and he was holding a flashlight... Oh, it was another one of his rescue dreams...they always ended the same, back in the silo and with Krycek howling. As his hallucination progressed, Mulder kneeled at his side.
xxx
"Krycek? Are you okay?" Mulder frowned worriedly at oil-encrusted man. The stench in the silo chamber was horrible. And Alex looked like he was nearly dead. 'God, I didn't think he'd still be here. I would have come back sooner...I thought the ship or a clue might be here. If I'd known...'
Alex stared up at him, his green eyes glittering in the dark. "Lisa. My Lisa. I love you. I never told you... I should have... I'm sorry, so sorry..." Alex's words drifted into unintelligible murmuring. Mulder struggled not to react. The man was clearly delirious. He struggled to pull Alex up.
"Come on. Krycek? Alex. Alex, come on, help me out here, you're heavy." Krycek giggled, "Oh, why walk when we could fly?" He seemed to find his comment extremely funny as he giggled on hysterically.
Mulder rolled his eyes, 'definitely hysterical.' "Sure, but I'd rather walk, so how about some help?" Alex sobered at that and struggled to his feet with Mulder's help. Once on his feet, Alex seemed to come to his senses. "Mulder?!" He gripped Mulder's arms painfully.
Alex's breathing became rapid until he began to hyperventilate. "Mul- Muld- I-"
"Shh. Slow down and breathe. Come on, let's get out of here..."
Staggering, Alex tried to get out of the silo so fast that Mulder figured he really thought he COULD fly. They practically ran out of the building, it was pouring outside, a freezing rain, but Alex seemed to soak it up, moaning. His mouth hung open, trying to get enough, but ultimately failing. Mulder led him to his car. Alex immediately rolled down the window and kept his face out in the air as Mulder drove. Mulder wondered frantically if they were being followed. Would someone have stayed to make sure Alex died? Would they be tracking them? It seemed unlikely; they wouldn't waste the resources for a doomed man. Mulder wasn't sure what he was going to do with Krycek. He didn't trust the man, but he couldn't fathom taking him into custody and certain death. At the same time, he wanted answers and...he wanted to get Alex some clean clothes and a bath.
Mulder decided to drive a while to get away from the area. He pulled into a drive thru burger joint and Krycek requested about 10 items. Mulder indulged him by buying a burger, but figured the man wouldn't be able to eat much without getting sick. He ordered some soup and a couple of bottles of water. He then drove for a couple of hours. Krycek tried a couple of bites of his burger and then Mulder had had to pull over as the man puked it back up. He'd then listened to Mulder and sipped at his soup. He'd had to be forcibly restrained from guzzling the water, too.
Finally, Mulder pulled up to a motel and Krycek had slumped in his seat, fast asleep. 'Déjà vu...' Mulder shook Alex's shoulder, "Hey, wake up, we're here." Alex woke up startled, he panicked until he saw where they were and then, avoiding Mulder's gaze, he climbed out of the car.
Mulder had already gotten them a room while Alex had dozed in the car, he unlocked the door and ushered the younger man in. Mulder set his bag down on the bed and turned to study his companion.
Alex swayed on his feet, he was shivering violently and his eyes seemed to be unfocused, yet he didn't attempt to sit down or do anything. He seemed to be waiting orders or at least a direction.
Mulder shoved the years of hurt, frustration, and bitter hatred he felt for the man and focused on comforting another human being in pain. Once Alex was back on his feet and fighting again, 'then' he would make the man answer to him. For now, he was going to try to save a drowned rat.
Having decided on his mission he moved over to the husk of a man he'd once loved and touched his shoulder. Alex started, but otherwise didn't react; he stayed, as he was.
The shivering increasing.
"All right come on, Krycek, let's get you cleaned up. Mulder gently pushed him towards the bathroom; Alex willingly shuffled his feet into the bathroom, but didn't react to Mulder turning on the bathtub tap. Turning around Mulder sighed and began to ease off Alex's jacket. Alex fought him.
"No!" Came a hoarse shout, the voice seemed to dry up and die right after the one word, fortunately or Mulder feared he would have had a screaming fit on his hands. Alex struggled to keep his jacket on.
"Krycek! Don't fight me. Come on, stop it!" Mulder shouted his frustration. Seeing the sheer panic in Alex's eyes he stopped his actions and held his hands up so that the man could see he had no weapon.
"All right. I'm sorry, okay? Shhh. Calm down. You can keep the jacket, okay? We're just going to take it off for a little while so you can clean up. You can keep the jacket. You're gonna have to get it cleaned, though..." The jacket and the rest of him was covered in the remnants of the oil. Mulder seriously doubted the jacket COULD be salvaged, but knew better than to tell that to the distraught spy.
Alex calmed down at the sound of Mulder's voice. In truth, he didn't really know why he'd reacted like that. He didn't know what he was doing at all. Everything seemed distant and far away as if it wasn't happening to him. All he could focus on was one thought. 'I'm okay, I'm okay...I'm out of the silo...I'm okay...' Mulder loomed in his face and he blinked trying to focus on what he was saying.
"...okay, Alex? Alex, can you hear me? Answer me if you can."
"Yeah, I hear yo-" his voice was rusty and cracked, it gave out on him before he could finish his sentence. Mulder seemed relieved, though and nodded reassuringly.
"It's going to be okay, Alex. Help me out here, okay? You really need a bath."
Krycek let out a shaky breath and nodded, he fumbled with his jacket, his fingers numb and cold. Why was he so cold? He couldn't seem to get his sleeves off; Mulder reached up and took over. The younger man was surprised, but too grateful to protest. He numbly stood there while his former lover gently stripped off his clothes. He remembered another time so much like this...
Mulder's hands were fumbling with his pants and Krycek froze. He didn't want to spook the older man.
Mulder was trying to keep his mind on the mechanics of getting Krycek in the water and nothing else. He stripped him as efficiently as possible and then stepped back. Alex was shivering even more violently now that he stood naked before him. Mulder turned back to the tub and stopped the water, it was hot, but he figured that Krycek could use a really hot bath right now. He gestured for the other man to get into the tub, his eyes firmly fixed on the tile next to him.
Krycek stepped into the tub, it was hot, but it felt SOOOO good. He groaned with intense pleasure and had to stop himself from sobbing at the feel of warm clean water on his skin. Mulder seemed discomposed at the sound he had made so Alex bit his lip to keep any more sounds from emerging; he leaned back in the tub and closed his eyes.
Mulder grabbed the complimentary soaps and a washcloth. He doubted it would be enough to get all the grime off the filthy man. He opened his own toiletry kit and pulled out the extra soaps he had in it. He always grabbed the extra ones in his motel rooms...never knew when you'd be scrubbing off green slime or just plain dirt on one of his cases. He turned back to the man in the tub and saw that he had fallen asleep again. Damn the man.
Krycek woke to a nudge on his shoulder. "Whaaa-" he whined.
"Come on, you need to wash." Mulder tugged him into a sitting position and proceeded to scrub his back with the washcloth and soap. Krycek was in heaven; he was being taken care of by Mulder. God, this was too good to be true. He had a fleeting worry that he would wake up and it would all be a dream, but the pressure and sensation of Mulder's scrubbing belied that fear.
Mulder washed his back, chest and shoulders he then tossed the cloth to Krycek, "here, you can do the rest..." He then went to get the shampoo.
Krycek numbly scrubbed his legs and groin, the water was turning a grimy dark gray and he reached with his toes for the plug and drained the water. Mulder came back and turning on the water they filled the tub once more. Alex returned to his washing and Mulder cupped some water on his hair. He began to lather. It felt so good, the touch of another human being after so long. He'd been on the run and the only touch he'd had had been his own. It was too dangerous to pick up another person at a bar or even a hooker...you never knew if they were a plant...an assassin sent to kill him.
So Mulder scrubbed his hair and he closed his eyes, pretending it was under different circumstances. Mulder rinsed his hair and started lathering again, he did it three times before the hair seemed free of oil and grease.
Finished, Mulder grunted as he got off his knees, 'getting' old...'
Alex stared straight ahead, 'now what?'
Mulder threw a towel down on the floor next to the tub and walked out, shutting the door behind him.
'Guess that was it.' Alex grinned grimly as he struggled out of the tiny bathtub. He was toweling off when Mulder knocked on the door with a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. Mulder stuck his hand in and dropped the clothes, not waiting for a reply. Krycek stooped and picked them up, he pulled on the sweatpants and then sniffed the t-shirt before he put it on. It smelled like Mulder, like ivory soap, clean and fresh. He could feel other parts of his anatomy waking up and he quickly stilled them. 'No way, we are NOT getting our hopes up here...'
He glanced in the bathroom mirror and instantly regretted it. His skin was deathly pale; months on the run had taken its toll on him. His beard was scraggly and there were deep purple rings beneath his eyes. 'Oh, yeah, you'll be beating him off with a stick. Jesus, you look like death. What must I have looked like before the bath? Ugh.' Mulder walked back to the bathroom.
He met Alex's eyes briefly in the mirror, "Help yourself..." he nodded towards his kit containing shaving cream, razor, deodorant nail clippers, etc. Alex nodded thanks and reached for the nail clippers and file, his nails were torn and broken to the nubs. He'd tried to pry off the lock in frustration and panic the first couple of days. He smoothed down the roughest edges and then picked up the shaving cream he looked up into the mirror and caught Mulder staring at him in the mirror still. The other man straightened and turned away.
When he finished he 'almost' looked human again. He'd used his finger with lots of toothpaste to clean his teeth; he hadn't figured that Mulder would want him to use his toothbrush. His mouth felt a little fresher and his face no longer itched. He was so grateful that he didn't even really mind that now Mulder would begin interrogating him. After all, his life wasn't worth anything anymore. It didn't matter what he said...
He sat down wearily on the second bed and waited. Mulder paced, running his hand through his hair. Alex shook his head, 'God he's still gorgeous. I miss him. Son of a bitch stole my heart and I can't stop wanting him...' Mulder sat down on the other bed finally and looked at Alex.
"Are you all right now?"
"Yes, thank you. But, why...why did you help me?" His voice was rusty and hoarse, but it worked again. Mulder got up and fetched him a glass of water. Handing it to him he sat back down and looked at his clasped hands.
"I didn't know you'd be there. I was just looking to see if there was anything left. I couldn't just walk away. I had to wait until things cooled off. If I'd known...I wouldn't have left you in there so long, Alex. I'm sorry."
Krycek frowned; Mulder would have come back for HIM? As interesting as this line of thought was his eyes were drooping, he rubbed them open again and struggled not to fall asleep. "What do you mean? I thought you'd be happy to see me gone, Mulder. I-"
Mulder stood up angry. "You betrayed me. You killed my father! I hate you! But that doesn't mean I'm a cold-blooded bastard like you are. I wouldn't leave another person to die like that. What the fuck is the matter with you that you think I'd do that to you?! How dare you. I'm not like you-"
"No. No, you're not. I KNOW that Mulder. But you don't know me. Not really. You have no idea... I didn't betray you like you think I did. I didn't- Look, I didn't know what I was mixed up in. I was a naïve, stupid kid, Mulder. I thought I was on the right side, I had no fucking clue. If I had...I would have told you. I would have worked with you. But then again, if I had we'd both probably be fucking dead, so just DON'T, Mulder. Quit saying I betrayed you. I loved you, you bastard. I never loved anyone like that, I never felt that way before. I 'did' just want to get you into bed at first, but then..." He didn't know what to say. What COULD he say. There was nothing he could do to take back his actions. He slumped over, his arms on his knees, head bowed. He was so fucking tired...
"What about my father?" Mulder asked quietly. Alex's head whipped up.
"What do you think, Mulder? He was going to tell you things he shouldn't. I was told to eliminate him and if he'd told you anything, I was to kill you, too. So I shot him. Yeah. Wanna know something? I ENJOYED it. The bastard had it coming. He was dirty, Mulder and he...he hurt you. That was the only time I actually 'wanted' to kill someone that I did. I'm only sorry that it hurt you. I AM sorry for that. But he had to die."
Mulder's face remained impassive. He continued to stare at Alex, their eyes unable to break contact. Alex wondered when the man was going to burst into rage and kill him. He was so tired that he couldn't even muster the strength to care. He just hoped he'd do it soon and quickly. He waited, Mulder finally blinked slowly. He then reached out a hand to Alex's face, but seemed to catch himself and the aborted the action midway. He stood up and started to pace again. Alex sighed and lay down. He couldn't take it anymore. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow; the sound of Mulder's pacing had a hypnotic effect.
3:00 a.m. in the morning he woke to the dim flickering light of the TV. Mulder was propped up in his bed, eyes glued to the screen as he popped sunflower seeds. Groaning, he pulled himself up.
Mulder glanced over, but said nothing. Krycek dragged himself to the bathroom and relieved his bladder. He then gulped down two glasses of water straight and filled the glass again, carrying it back to his bedside. Mulder kept cracking the seeds. Krycek glanced at the screen, another boring infomercial; in fact he could swear it was the same one he'd seen Mulder watch before.
"Why are you watching that crap? It's boring as hell."
"Not the point" Mulder kept spitting out shells, eyes glued to the screen.
"Yeah? Well, what is the point, they never seem to help you fall asleep, anyway."
Mulder ignore him. Alex sighed, he hated having the TV light flickering. He climbed into Mulder's bed.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Mulder demanded.
"Turn it off. I'm tired and I'm sick of sleeping alone. You can kick me around all you want tomorrow. Let's get some sleep." He turned onto his side and closed his eyes. He didn't relax, though, until he heard Mulder sigh melodramatically and turn off the TV. He felt the other man slouch down on the bed and roll over.
He waited, Mulder tossed and turned for a few minutes, Alex slowly rolled over to face his bed partner and raised an arm in invitation. Mulder glared at him. Alex shrugged and dropped the arm, shutting his eyes. A short while later he smiled to himself as he felt Mulder scoot closer to him, but remain out of touch. He fell asleep knowing he'd wake up with an armful of Mulder sooner or later.
Mulder lay close to Alex. He didn't dare go into those arms again. They weren't really safe. He wanted them to be. He desperately wanted them to be. He'd once believed them to be and he'd been wrong. So terribly wrong that Scully had suffered for it. He couldn't trust the man again. But at night...he missed him so much it hurt. A terrible ache that wouldn't stop. The times when Alex had stayed in his bed had been the best nights of his life. He couldn't sleep well alone in a bed. Too many bad memories. His father's footsteps on the stairs, the creaking of the door and laying in bed dreading the moment his father would sit down on the side and pull back the covers...
Mulder shivered and scooted a little closer to the warm body next to him. His father had abused him since the time his sister was abducted. No matter how much he tried, his father was the one person he couldn't figure out, the only one he couldn't really profile. Was it because his sister was gone? Was it his punishment for letting her get taken? Or was it simply an evil desire? And what if the man hadn't even really been his father? He remembered snatches of arguments concerning his mom, Bill Mulder and the smoking man. And he couldn't remember, but had a horrible feeling that it was about him...about his paternity. And if so...then maybe the abuse had really been not about Mulder at all, but some sort of revenge on his father's so called 'friend.'
Mulder guessed that it didn't really matter in the end. What really mattered was that he was so screwed up that he couldn't sleep one night without nightmares. Except with Alex. The few times they'd slept together, he hadn't had a nightmare. He hadn't woken up screaming. He knew that the nightmares didn't really go away, but he didn't have them those nights. He'd felt safe for the first time. Finding out that the safety had been horribly false had left him even more scarred. The nightmares seemed worse; the sleepless nights taunted him even more.
So he lay there, desperately wanting to hold onto the only man he'd been able to touch, the only one he'd let touch him back...the only one he'd allowed himself to love. 'I can't, I'll be opening myself up to more betrayal...'
Alex snuffled a little, he turned over restlessly. Mulder could tell he was having a disturbing dream, Krycek was probably dreaming he was back in the silo. He reached out and touched his shoulder, Alex grunted and started to fight him a little. Mulder shook him awake. Alex's eyes snapped open, he glanced around and then moaning lightly he reached around and pulled Mulder into a fierce hug.
"Please, Lisa. Hold me. I can't stand it... I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry..." he cried, his shoulders shaking. Mulder lay there stunned at the depth of despair and urgent pleading.
Alex sobbed, the last couple of months had been pure hell, and the last two years had been so full of mistakes. He wished he could go back to the man he had been and make different choices. He wished he had met Mulder some other way... Mulder's arms came around him and he felt himself being rocked gently. He clutched Mulder's shirt and let the man hold him.
Slowly, he raised his face and saw Mulder's eyes searched his. Apparently he found what he sought, because he leaned in and kissed Alex passionately. Alex moaned and kissed back with all that he was worth, he ran his arms up and down Mulder's back. They frantically rubbed against one another. Scrambling out of their clothes at the same time, they then reached back for one another.
Alex whispered in his ear, "Lisa, I want you to make love to me. I want you in me. Please..." Mulder leaned back, surprised.
"I don't- I don't know if I can."
"You can. Please, I'll tell you what to do." Alex got up and came back with the complimentary packet of moisturizer. They turned a light on, and though difficult, they did it facing one another, the only way either wanted to do it. Mulder was in awe, never had he imagined he'd do this with another man. It was so hot, so tight, so...unbelievable, he knew nothing else would ever compare.
Alex lay awake in the dark afterwards. Mulder had turned out the light, spooned up behind him and fallen asleep, but Alex couldn't stop thinking. So much had happened in the last few hours that he wondered if Mulder would regret the whole thing in the morning. He hadn't forgiven Alex. Hadn't told him he loved him back. And now...what were they going to do in the morning? Would Mulder want to interrogate him further? Where could there relationship possibly go from here? Mulder would return to D.C. and his X-files. Alex could never show his face around there again. He was a marked man. Becoming involved with Mulder again would put them both in even greater danger. But there was no way he was going to waste this chance. As long as there was a sliver of a chance that Mulder wanted him with him, Alex would fight to stay with him.
Damn it, when the hell had his life become so fucking complicated?
Continued in Part 3